553

“You’d look ace in bellbottoms.  The kind which are skintight over your bum and cock, and flare from the knees.”  Cody was trying hard.  But he still felt resentment towards Jason.  Even though he knew in his heart that he was being unreasonable.

“The new fashion is skintight all the way down.  So tight, your arse squeaks when you walk.”  Luigi grinned at him.  “Or meggings.”

“Meggings?”  Cody was quite at sea.

“Men’s leggings.  Like tights for everyday.  I have to tell you, everything is visible.  I prefer to hint and tease, not have all the shop’s goods in the shop window.”

“I dunno.  You’d look good in tights.  And this—“ Cody squeezed the other man’s package “—these are very satisfactory shop goods.”

“And at your service!”  Luigi smiled and kissed Cody, his arms still around the other man.

“That’s the ticket!” said Cody, his mouth smiling but his eyes haunted.

In the end, they watched the rest of the Star Wars DVD and had hot chocolate before bed, and then slept spooned up against each other, at peace, for now.

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Episodes 1 to 500

532

Cody lay in Luigi’s arms listening to him breathe.  What was true, he wondered.  He’d been unfaithful to his wife, and he loved her, deeply.  Yet he had sneaked out to pick up men, he had had sex with men.  And sex was so intimate.  Worse, he had shared his soul with Philippa, and she with him, and now, maybe they would never meet again.  Would he ever see his children?  He loved Luigi, but he loved Philippa too.  Luigi had been forgiving and patient, but he’d seen the occasional flashes of irritation in Luigi’s eyes at his grief and doubts.  Without Luigi he had nothing.  Nothing.  But what did he have with Luigi? Did Luigi still love him? What if Luigi stopped loving him?  He had, if nothing else, Luigi’s friends, yet even there, they were Luigi’s champions not his.  Jason had made it plain that if Cody ever hurt Luigi he would have him to answer too.  But he wouldn’t hurt Luigi.  Would he?  What if Philippa said she would have him back?  Would he go back?  Could he promise he would never again have sex—fall in love—with another man?  And if Luigi had fallen out of love with him, what then?

Like Lucasta Ellesmere, he fell into a disturbed sleep, but his dreams were about running through a forest in the dark in despair, trying to escape a killer.

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Episodes 1 to 500 (without pictures, 20 episodes per chapter)   

460

Esmé and Keith met again that night, after the café and the bar had closed.  They went back to his flat and made love.  And again the night after.  But the night after that, Esmé wasn’t working.  She wished she worked every night at the café, so that she could meet Keith every night.  She knew she shouldn’t monopolise him but she couldn’t help herself.  He made her happy.  She knew somewhere inside that he was gay.  But he was so loving to her that she thought he’d changed, that he loved her so much that he’d set aside his gayness to be with her.  That he was no longer interested in men. 

Even though she wasn’t working, she decided she’d go down to the bar and surprise him.   She normally cycled to work, but she decided to take the tram.  It took her a little longer than she’d thought.  As she stepped down from the tram at the stop just before The Lord Grey, she caught sight of Keith.  He had his back to her.  He was pressed up against another man, kissing him, his hands gripping the other bloke’s buttocks, his groin grinding against the other man’s. 

She turned quickly and walked away from the bar.  She didn’t want Keith to see her shame.  Her humiliation was complete.

She caught the tram home and let herself in as quietly as she could.  She did not want Luke to see her like this.  In the privacy of her room, she took the razor and cut deeply into her arms.  Stupid!  she said to herself, angry, as she did it.  Stupid!  You knew you could never be happy.  You knew that it would all be taken from you.  You knew that.  But still you hoped.  Fool!  Cretin!  Idiot!

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Episodes 1 to 260 (without pictures, 10 episodes per chapter  

451

“He’s was such a dear lad.  So funny and clever and wise.  But he was, well, sensitive.  No, let me be truthful.  He was a little effeminate.  But such a joy to be with, so bright and lovely.  And then he started to lose his sparkle. At first, you know, I didn’t worry.  Teenagers can be so moody.  It’s such a difficult and awkward time.  But it got worse.  I guessed he was being bullied at school.  I asked him about it but I … I didn’t think I should intervene.  I thought he should be toughened up.  Which is another way of saying, “made more manly”.  May God forgive me!”  She stopped and stared out over the peaceful vineyards.  Very quietly, she said,  “ One day he hanged himself.”

“My dear!” said Lucasta softly and put her hand on the other woman’s. 

Jason watched the two old ladies in silence, wanting, as he had the first time he’d heard the story, to weep, to howl at the universe, to strike and thump the haters.

The waiter arrived with more champagne, and topped up their glasses.

There was a long silence.  At last, Jason said, “Well you both know about me and Brent.”  “My own selfish stupidity!”

Jason didn’t expect either woman to disagree with him.  His grandmother wasn’t the kind of woman not to face facts, and nor was Eleanor.  For all their kindness and compassion there was a bleak resolution at the heart of their characters, the kind of character strength that comes from loss faced with courage. 

His grandmother said, “We all make mistakes, Jason my dear, mistakes which we wish with all our hearts we could undo.”

He smiled at her.  “I don’t believe you ever made a mistake in your life, grandam!”

She just smiled at him.

“Come!” she said.  “Let us toast something and be happy.  To friends and family!”

They raised their glasses and echoed her toast.  The champagne was pale gold in the flutes, and caught the afternoon sun which slanted through the French doors nearby.

 “You are both, to me,” said Jason, looking in turn at the two women.  Very moved, they both raised their glasses to him, but didn’t speak.

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Episodes 1 to 260 (without pictures, 10 episodes per chapter