537

Source : Zeva Photography

“Do they know about Brent?”

“Yes, I’ve told them.  But it’s not just Brent.  Eleanor’s son too, Bart.  Wait here a minute.  Let me bring you something.”

He was back in a moment with Bart’s diary.  “I haven’t finished it, grand, but I’d like you to read it.  Have some tissues ready.  It’ll make you cry.”  His own voice was a bit ragged.  “You see, I never realised how privileged we were.  I mean I knew about everything but it was only when I met Brent and then Key and Luigi and Eleanor that I saw how much I had.  Brent especially.  I don’t need it all.  So I want to do good with it.  Make the world a better place.”

Lucasta felt tears coming.

“What’s wrong, grandam?”

“Nothing.  Just.  Oh Jason…..”

“I’ll come and see you often in England,” he said.  “And we can email every day.”

“It’s not that, it’s just, oh I am such a silly old woman!”

“No you aren’t.  Silly!”

They laughed together.

“It’s just I know you’ll never forget Brent how could you because love is so strong and survives so much but I’m so glad you’re happier now Jason dear and so if that’s because of Australia I’m glad you’re here so wonderful but I do hope you’ll come and visit often.”

“I will, grandam.  Often.  I promise.”

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Episodes 1 to 500 (without pictures, 20 episodes per chapter)   

536

“I’m going to do something with my money, grandam.” He looked away, absently wiping crumbs from the counter.  “I’m going to set up a trust for children or teenagers who’re thrown out of their home by their parents for being gay or effeminate or just different.”

She knew at once what he was telling her.  “I wondered whether you’d be coming back to England,” she said.

“Not to live.”  He shook his head.  “That’s why I’ve decided to tell them.  They’re—I don’t want any lies.  And I want to do something good in the world.  Make a difference.  I don’t just want to be a drone, a parasite.  You see, with Brent I … scr—failed.”  He was silent for a few heartbeats.  “It won’t be just my money.  I’ll register a charity and raise funds.  Use my money—and my name—to raise more money.  Make a splash.”

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Episodes 1 to 500 (without pictures, 20 episodes per chapter)   

535

His grandmother was in the kitchen, making toast to fill the toast rack.  The kitchen smelled warm and homely.  The kettle was starting its hum as the water in it heated up.  He went over to her and kissed her.  She had a slightly stuffy sour close old-woman smell, but he didn’t mind.

“Morning, grandam.”

“Morning Jason dear such a lovely morning but getting chilly now one always forgets that the seasons are back to front here but I love autumn it’s my favourite season like champagne or maybe sauterne and all the leaves.”

He smiled at her, filled with love, and finding even her disjointed chatter wonderful. 

“I’m sorry about that blunder last night.”  She was unusually direct.

He shook his head. 

“Not to worry.  I think I’m going to tell them.  I trust them, and they trust me.”  He smiled at her.  “So it’s all right.”

“Yes but still sometimes I do ramble on and then I let things slip and I was enjoying myself so much.”

“It’s lovely to have you here.  Don’t worry.  It’s not something I’m ashamed of. ”  Jason kissed her again.  

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Episodes 1 to 500 (without pictures, 20 episodes per chapter)   

534

When Jason woke in the morning, the first thought that came into his head was his plan to set up a trust to help gay kids who’d been made homeless by homophobic parents.  He lay in bed, the warmth welcome on this chilly late autumn morning.  I want to stay here, he thought.  In Australia.  This is where my heart is.  England will always be about Brent, about how I and all my arrogant “friends” drove him to kill himself.  This country, this city is my home now.  I feel at home now in just a few months.  People have made me welcome.  Eleanor, Keith, Luigi, Graeme, Esmé.  People have taken me into their hearts.  I want to stay.  Which means I need to extend my visa. Do I have to tell them about me?  Can’t I keep it a secret?

He lay for a while staring at the ceiling, his thoughts far away.

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Episodes 1 to 500 (without pictures, 20 episodes per chapter)   

533

The Killer was tortured by dreams about sex.  Sex with beautiful boys and handsome young men.  Sex with Father McAlister.  Approval.  Love.  Belonging.  Even when it hurt, he had someone to love, with Father.  Until the end.

I’m not gay, he screamed in his dreams.  I’m not.  But what he dreamed about was love with men, of being held safe and warm in a man’s arms. Of a man inside him stroking him to ecstasy. Of the more sinister but much sharper pleasure of killing.  Sluts.  They deserved to die.  God was with him.  But in his dreams he was in vast echoing rooms and God’s voice was Father McAlister’s, and there was no approval or love in it.  And he was utterly, utterly alone.

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Episodes 1 to 500 (without pictures, 20 episodes per chapter)