Majorca Flats -- 374

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“Oh, God!�? ground out Cody.  “Oh Jesus fucking Christ!�?  He stood hunched over, holding the jeans in one hand and scrubbing his face with the other, too bitter, too down even to weep. 

Jason stood up and put his arms round Cody’s shoulders.  “He loves you, you know.  He does.  He didn’t tell me that day.  But as we got to know each other, he told about you.  He was heartbroken.  But he never stopped loving you.�?

“I … hurt him so much.  And I loved him so much.�?

“Yes.  I did too.  My guy, I mean.  I loved him.  And … and he’s dead, now.  Because I—because I—didn’t do right by him.  At least you’re still alive.�?

“What happened?�?  For the first time since he’d been abducted, Cody was interested in what had happened to someone else.

“I’ll tell you.  But not now.�?  Jason ruffled Cody’s hair, smiled and pointed to the jeans.  “Get dressed.  We’ve got to get back.�?

In silence, Cody changed into the jeans.  He felt all at once no shyness in front of Jason.  No need to be shy.  They’d opened to each other.  They were going to be friends.  Perhaps …. Perhaps he would somehow be all right.  Despite everything.

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Majorca Flats -- 373

“Nice room,�? said Cody.

Jason replied as he opened the cupboard to fetch Cody
a pair of jeans.  “Yeah.  I was lucky to find it.  And Eleanor is such a great landlady.  More a friend really.�?

“I hope I find somewhere like this.�?

Jason gave him the jeans and asked, “Won’t you be staying with Lou?�?

Cody shook his head without speaking.

“He loves you, you know.�?

“Not any more.�?

Jason sat on the bed and drew his knees up and put his arms round them.  “You’re wrong,�? he said.  “The first time he and I … made love …. he cried.�? Jason looked away, remembering.  After a heartbeat, he looked at Cody and he continued, “He said he was always being hurt by straight guys.  He thought I was straight.  That I would fuck him.  Use him.  Leave him.  For my wife.  My girlfriend.  A woman.�?

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Majorca Flats -- 372

She thought to herself how extraordinarily beautiful Luigi was, almost too beautiful to be male.  You can see he’s gay, she thought to herself, but you can’t with Jason or Cody.  Why is it different?  He has the assurance and self-confident awareness of his body and the effect he has on men just like a beautiful and sexy woman.  Like I was, once—and she smiled a little mordantly to herself.  And dear Harold!  He’d been so very handsome.  They’d made the perfect couple, a society wedding, photos in the Times and The Tatler, and even Lillibet had come and they’d been so happy and then there was the dreadful, awful time when Harold had had that thing with that actress but she had pretended nothing was happening because she knew it wouldn’t last but it did for five years and then the actress had left him and he’d been heartbroken although he hadn’t said a word about it to her which had made her love him more you can’t help loving people even if they wrong you.  She wondered whether Cody’s wife would take him back.  Who knew?  She had kept Harold and it had been the right decision that’d had brought them so many years together of happiness odd that how betrayal and forgiveness had cemented their love and their marriage.

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Majorca Flats -- 371

Luigi watched them go.  He didn’t realise that his face showed his worry.  Eleanor noticed.

“Have you tried one of my cheese straws?"

“No, I haven’t.  May I?"  He forced his thoughts away from Cody and concentrated on the cheese straws.  They were indeed delicious and he complimented her on them.

“It’s an old recipe.  I used to make then for Bart.  They were his favourite."  At Luigi’s inquiring look, she added, “My son.  He …. died.  Years ago now."  She gave a determined smile, but Luigi had seen the sorrow on her face.

“I’m sorry," he said, meaning it. 

“They’re Jason’s favourite, too," she said, resolved not to let her old sorrow spoil this party.

“Well," he said, following her lead back to safer topics, “I can see why!"

“You young people can eat all you want and remain slim and svelte but when you are old you’ll find that even if you eat like a sparrow you gain weight mind you I read somewhere that sparrows eat their body weight each day such nervy little creatures always bouncing and hopping and alert." Lucasta had also seen Luigi’s worry.  As usual, what she wanted to say and what she actually said seemed to bear little relationship to each other.  She wanted to say just love him, just take care of him, don’t give up.  Garble, garble! she thought to herself.  How I do rattle on.

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Majorca Flats -- 370

“Would you like to borrow some jeans and stuff?�? he whispered into Cody’s ear.  “Everyone’s so dolled up.  I could lend you some.�?

Cody gave him a small grin, tremulous and wry.  “I’m already wearing your trunks.�?

Jason raised his eyebrow.  He’d practised for ages in front of the bathroom mirror to lift just one, to produce exactly the worldly, slightly cynical, witty expression he’d seen on one of the sixth-formers in school when he was in the fourth form.

Cody smiled, more genuinely, this time.  “My feelings exactly.�?

“Well, then, the rest will be easy!  Come on.  Let’s go to my room.�?

He took Cody’s arm and led him out.

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Majorca Flats -- 369

Via ABC radio

As he poured for Cody, he gave him a smile.  Cody didn’t smile back but he didn’t grump either.  He looks as if something in him has died, Jason thought.  He remembered the first week or two of the hellish time after Brent had shot himself. Thinking back on it, he’d also been as if dead.  The pain had been so great that his mind had numbed itself, as the body does with a severe wound.  He’d wandered around in a daze, and often, he refused to believe it had happened.  It seemed impossible.  A bad dream.  Unreal.  It was only when he had come to Australia that the full horror of Brent’s suicide had become real.  He remembered how he had wept after the first time with Luigi.  Of how he had understood the sorrow at the heart of life.  It had changed him, he suddenly recognised.  He’d been arrogant, selfish—a classic handsome upper class twit.  He had learnt his lesson.  Too late.  Too late.  But perhaps all the hard lessons of life were like that.

He looked at Cody.  What had happened to him would either crush him or make him stronger.  And there was this: he owed it to the universe, to Providence, to God, to the Goddess—whatever you liked to call it—to do what he could to help.  It was a kind of superstitious bargaining, he knew full well.  Let me be kind and generous so the Furies are kind to me in return.  It didn’t work like that, he knew.  In his heart, he knew what that luck and happiness were random.  But he couldn’t bear the thought that Brent had died in vain, that all that life, all that learning, and suffering, and happiness; that all that love, could be pointless.  

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Majorca Flats -- 368

Bolt leapt around excitedly, barking his pleasure at their visit.

“Welcome to our little party!�? exclaimed Eleanor.  She’d made up her hair and put on some jewellery and scent and looked glamorous and elegant.

“So honest dogs—you know exactly where you stand with them there’s no pretence whereas with people you always suspect them of ulterior motives which sounds like a sort of plant doesn’t it sweet-smelling but with a bee inside but dogs are pleased to see you so they show
it whereas we humans pretend either that we’re not as pleased as we are or that we’re more pleased which is polite and politics but I think dogs do it better, don’t you?�?  Lucasta has also dolled up for the “party�?.  Luigi was glad he’d also dressed up.  Cody was still wearing the boardshorts Michael had given him.

“By which grandam means that she’s glad you’re here,�? interpreted Jason with a grin.

“You silly boy didn’t I say so?�?  Lucasta beamed at them all.

“Some champagne?�?  Eleanor led then through to the sitting room.  “Jason, would you mind getting a bottle from the fridge and doing the honours?�?

“I’d love to.�? 

There were three bottles of Domaine Chandon in the fridge.  Jason didn’t know the house, and he read the label.  Apparently it was made by the local operation of Moët & Chandon.  He realised that he hadn’t had decent champagne since he came to Australia.  The bubbly he and Keith and Luigi drank was cheap.  The cheapest, actually. 

He opened the bottle and went through to the sitting room.

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Majorca Flats -- 367

When they arrived at Majorca Flats, Jason was waiting for them, and the first thing he did was to pull Cody in a close hug, not a straight bloke hug, but a full body hug from chest to knees.  It was an odd feeling for Cody.  This … manly … macho, muscular, big man, who appeared so strong and so self-possessed, was holding him close.  It was like a big brother or his father.  It felt as if Jason cared. Cody was a small boy again, safe within the wards maintained by his parents.  Yet he could feel Jason’s cock pressed against him and though that was surprisingly erotic given what he’d been through, it suggested more, that the warmth Jason was giving him might translate one day into sexual intimacy.  Incongruous, given all he’d been through and what he still felt, but not in an unpleasant way.  Since he and Luigi had talked, Cody felt better, though the horror of the last few days was never far from his conscious mind.  The thought that perhaps, one day, he might again have sex entered his head and wouldn’t be dislodged.

“Come in, come in, my grandam has bought some super champers and they’ve made cheese straws."

Luigi divined that Jason was being deliberately “jolly hockey sticks" as Richard used to call it, meaning the unreal world of books written about English boarding schools and the supposedly happy times everyone had there.  I love him too, he thought, suddenly.  Not just because he’s sexy and beaut, but because he’s so fucking kind.
Clever and thoughtful. And he thought about Providence and how Jason’s loss had taught him something, just as his own had. 

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Majorca Flats -- 366

“You reckon?  Do you love Philippa?"

“Yeah."  Cody was all at once defensive.

“And you love me?"

“You know that I do."

“Well, Jace is my friend.  And I love him.  And yes we fuck … but it’s not about the fucking … it’s because he cares"

Cody tried not to let Luigi know he was weeping but his ragged gasp as he asked, “Where does that leave me?" gave him away.

“I told you, you drongo.  I told you that you were the great love of my life."

“And now?"

Luigi kissed Cody on his lips, but didn’t answer.

“And now, Lou?" insisted Cody, turning his head away from Luigi’s questing mouth.

“God fuck me for a fool.  Yes.  I still love you."  And as he said it, Luigi knew it was true.

“Do you promise, Lou?  Do you promise?"

“Yes."

“Say it!"

“I love you, Cody Williams.  I promise."  There was a long almost peaceful silence.  At last, Luigi said, “But you know, I didn’t even know your last name.  Who was the man I really loved?  The man who never invited me home?  The man who often wouldn’t take my phone calls?  Who was he, this man I loved more than I could say?"

“Oh God, Lou! I’ve fucked up so badly."   Cody was weeping openly now, his body racked with sobs.

“Shhh.  It’s okay.  We’ve started again.  Now come on, let’s get tarted up and go to the party.  Put on our glad rags.  Be happy!  Well, it’s not really a party, but the two old ladies are calling it that.  C’mon, handsome."

Cody sniffed and wiped his eyes and started getting dressed.

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Majorca Flats -- 365

“After … after I refused to see you I was heartbroken.

“You were heartbroken!?"

 “Yes, love.  I was.  So I went back to my old ways.  I went out trying to find someone to fuck, anyone, it didn’t matter.  Did you know I used to do that?"

Cody shook his head.

“I’m not proud of it.  I whored around …

Cody turned his head and brushed his lips in reassurance and love against Luigi’s cheek, startling the other man. 

“… and … well … I saw Jace in the park and I … picked him up.  Thing is … he was so kind to me.  They often aren’t, you know.

“I know."  There were tales a-plenty in Cody’s laconic response.

“And I’ve been there, Coads, in those loveless dark places, I’ve been so alone.  A guy’s just fucked me.  You can’t get physically closer than that, can you?  Yet I still felt so alone.  But Jason sussed out my loneliness.  I … I cried … because of you … because of everything.  And I tried to hide it from Jace.  And he saw.  And he talked to me.  And made me promise to see him again."

“So you have him now.  You don’t need me."

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Majorca Flats -- 364

He sipped the tea like an obedient child, but when Luigi suggested they go and visit Jason he shook his head and turned away. 

“They’re good people.  They won’t press or push or bully.  And Jason is so kind and accepting.  That was what drew me to him in the first place."

Cody turned and looked at him, his eyes empty, his face bleak.

“Oh, love!"  Luigi put his arms round the other man.  He stroked Cody’s back, as if he were a pet or a child.  Cody sat stiff and unmoving in Luigi’s arms.  “We’ll get through this," Luigi encouraged.  “I love you."

“Do you?  What about Jason?" 

If Cody had been bitter or angry it would have been better.  Instead he was listless and unemotional.

“I dunno.  He’s my friend.  You were the great love of my life, you know.  I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anybody."

“I loved you too, Lou.  So much.  Oh, why did you drop me like that?"

Luigi spoke into Cody’s hair, glad he didn’t have to face him.

“When I saw you with Philippa, Coads, I was so hurt.  I thought, you know, that this was it, that I’d found someone to love, and that you and I would be together for ever.  And then I found out you had a wife and kids and …"

“Yes.  I’ve fucked up so badly."

“We can start again.  You’ve had a … a terrible experience.  But you’re with friends now.  And we’ll look after you."

“Jason, too?"

“Yes.  He’s kind and gentle and strong. Listen …" 

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