Colby Keller

I think the top is Colby Keller.  But whoever he is, he looks a lot like how I imagine Keith.

465

“I  … I hoped I’d …”

“I’m here, amn’t Oi?”

“Yeah, but …oh, Keith!”

Keith’s accent had strengthened as it always did when he was emotional.  “Oi remember after Tom took mai in.  Oi was grateful—don’t think Oi wasn’t—but Oi wasn’t in love with him.  Oi didn’t even love him, Oi think.  Oi was just a hardened street punk.  But hai was koind to mai.  He wasn’t in love with me, come to think of it.  He felt sorry for mai.  And of course there was sex.  But he was koind.  Moind you, he didn’t put up with any shit from mai.  But he … he showed he cared, that he loiked me for more than my cock and arse.  That he loiked me.  For me.  And ya kanow, Ezz, ya can tell what a man is loike from what he’s loike in bed.  Shows ya what hai’s loike in his heart.”

Esmé thought about that.  Keith had always been kind and caring in bed.  When she’d been unable to make love—like normal people, she thought bitterly—he’d been totally unfazed.  He’d made sure she’d had pleasure in bed. He’d been affectionate and loving.

“Oi love Tom.  And he loves mai.  But he doesn’t mind about you and me.”

“He knows?”  Esmé was furious and embarrassed. 

“Hai’s part of my loife, Ezz.  Of course he knaows.  But only that I’m sweet on ya.”

Esmé looked stricken. 

“Not the details,” Keith added quickly, guessing what Esmé was imagining.  “That’s proivate between you and me.”

Esmé looked at him, doubting.

“Ya think Oi’d tell him about our proivate stuff?  Have Oi taold you anything about him and mai?  What we do?”

“No.  No you haven’t.”  All of a sudden Esmé wondered exactly what they did in bed.  She’d never asked Luke what men did.  But then, he wouldn't know, because he'd never had anyone.  Or had he?  And now she wondered.  What exactly happened with bums and cocks and stuff?  Exactly?

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429

His reflections had distracted him for a moment.  He was startled when Cody pulled off him.

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t.  It hurts too much.  He … he hurt me.  He didn’t prep me.  I dunno.  I don’t think it’ll ever be right again.”  Cody sat on the edge of the bed, deliberately avoiding Luigi’s eyes.

Luigi put his arm round Cody’s waist.  “There’s more than one way to make love, Coads.”

Cody ignored him, his regard steadily on the carpet. 

“Come, love, let me show you,” coaxed Luigi. 

Still Cody wouldn’t speak.

Luigi wanted to explain to Cody the insights he’d just gained.  But he didn’t have the right words.  His feelings were so sure, his perceptions so certain, and yet he found himself tongue-tied. 

“Cody, love, it’s about … well … love and caring.  Sex is … nice … but what really matters is whether you love or not.  

Cody muttered, “And I’m not very good at that, am I?  Look at how I treated you and Phillippa.  That wasn’t love, was it?”

He turned to look at Luigi and the anger and self-contempt in his expression made Luigi flinch.

“Whatever you said—and didn’t say—I knew you loved me.  I knew it when we made love, I knew it when you smiled at me, I knew it when you came through that door after work, and your face would light up when you saw me.”  Luigi sat next to Cody on the edge of the bed, his arm still round the other man’s waist.  “You did some things wrong, Coads, but only some.  Don’t beat yourself up, love.”

“I deserved what happened to me.  It was just.”

“Rubbish!  No one deserves that.  No one!  To be tortured?  Nearly killed? To be drugged, attacked with a knife, have pieces cut out of you, and barely escape with your life?  No, Cody, you didn’t deserve any of that!  None of it, OK?”

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404

Jason’s phone buzzed.  It was Keith.  “How arya, sexy?”

“Key!  You missed a nice party.”

“Esmé an’ Oi watched Single Dads.  You knaow, that TV series.  She had the DVD.”

And afterwards, you made love, thought Jason.  “Esmé could have come to the party too, you know.”

“Yeah.”  Keith sounded doubtful.

“Yes, Key.  Yes.  She’s my friend too.”

“OK.”

“Key, my dear.  You know I …  she and you … you know I don’t mind, don’t you?  You were my first friend here in Australia”—he pronounced it with the long “au” the English use, which always made him sound like Prince Charles—“and she was the second.  I don’t mind, truly.”

Keith sighed.  “Sometimes it’s so complicated.”

“Yeah.  But … Key … you do know, don’t you, that … I care.”

Not, noticed Keith wryly, I love you.  “Yeah,” he said.  “Me too.  Hey, what’re ya doin’ this mornin’?”

“I dunno.  Taking Grandam and Lucasta sightseeing.”

“Whoi dontja go to the Healesville woildloife park.  Lots of kangaroos an’ stuff.”

“Why don’t you come along too?”

 “I can’t.  Gotta work.”

“Oh, shit.  All right.”

“How’s Cody?”

“OK.  Well, not really.”

“And Luigi?” 

“Seemed not too bad.  They’ve just left.”

“They stayed the night?”

“Yeah.”  Jason grinned at the mixture of indignation and shock in Keith’s voice.  “And you know what, Key, you can too.  Tonight.”

“Done and dusted.”  Jason could hear the smirk in Keith’s tone.  He couldn’t help smiling himself.

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Majorca Flats -- 365

“After … after I refused to see you I was heartbroken.

“You were heartbroken!?"

 “Yes, love.  I was.  So I went back to my old ways.  I went out trying to find someone to fuck, anyone, it didn’t matter.  Did you know I used to do that?"

Cody shook his head.

“I’m not proud of it.  I whored around …

Cody turned his head and brushed his lips in reassurance and love against Luigi’s cheek, startling the other man. 

“… and … well … I saw Jace in the park and I … picked him up.  Thing is … he was so kind to me.  They often aren’t, you know.

“I know."  There were tales a-plenty in Cody’s laconic response.

“And I’ve been there, Coads, in those loveless dark places, I’ve been so alone.  A guy’s just fucked me.  You can’t get physically closer than that, can you?  Yet I still felt so alone.  But Jason sussed out my loneliness.  I … I cried … because of you … because of everything.  And I tried to hide it from Jace.  And he saw.  And he talked to me.  And made me promise to see him again."

“So you have him now.  You don’t need me."

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Majorca Flats -- 356

After, Jason lay with his head on Keith's chest.

“How straight are you, Key?�?

“Haven't we just shown that?�?

“Well, before Brent, I had girlfriends. And it was good. But not as good as it was with him. With him—with you and Lou—it feels right. I mean, I s'pose I could have got married and stuff. And been faithful to my wife. But this feels … like it was meant to be.�?

Keith tangled his fingers in Jason's hair. “Yeah. I know what ya meyn. If hadn't had to live on the streyt, then maybe … but, ya knaow, I can't imagine a life without you or Lou. Or Tom.�?

“So did you become gay? If you hadn't had to … �?

“ …. whore? … �?

“... I wasn't going to say that.�?

“But it's true. I'm not ashamed of it. There are much worse thengs.�? Keith was silent for a few breaths. “Selfishness. Cruelty. Lies. But to get back to gayness and such, Oi dunno, to bey honest. Oi reckon … fuck, Jace, Oi dunno. Oi reckon that with the roight person at the roight time I would've found out anyway.�?

“Yeah?�?

“Oi think lots and lots a' blaokes are … not gay … but capable of lovin' another blaoke. But they never foind out. And when they feyl attracted to a blaoke they think it's jus' friendship. And it is. And it's more that friendship too.�?

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Majorca Flats -- 297

 “You're not queeny!" Cody was fierce. “You're fucking not. You're amazing. You're so strong and resolute and … just fantastic. How can you think you're queeny?"

“See? You're doing it too." answered Luigi quietly, watching the bright blotches of distant jet headlights as they came in to land at the airport. “You think because I'm queeny that I can't be strong and all that stuff. You think that a femme bloke is somehow inferior."

“No I don't, Lou, love. I don't." Cody looked hurt and alarmed and indignant, all at once, and Luigi felt an urge to laugh.

“It doesn't matter, Coads. I was drawn to you from the first because you were so butch and macho and manly. It doesn't matter. But you see, Cody, they don't see me like that. They just don't care about my femme stuff. Keith's a slob. Undies and crisp packets and stuff all over the house. If you just met him on the street or in a café, like, you'd never guess. He comes across as a classic nerdish bloke. He doesn't care how he looks and what he does and stuff. He's just a bloke, as far as he's concerned. And as far as he's concerned I am too. And when he fucks me, he doesn't think, I'm fucking a woman."

“I never did, either, with you. Never." Cody spoke so quietly Luigi could barely hear what he said above the whine of a jet taking off overhead.

“I know, Coads. But you see, they mean a lot to me, Jason and Keith. They helped me heal after … after what happened between us."

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