495

Luigi paused the DVD.  He shifted sideways on the sofa to look directly at Cody.  “When I first met Richard, my lover—my husband, really—he wanted me to fuck him because he couldn’t get it up.  He was quite elderly.  And he offered to pay.  Which means that I was once a whore, Lou.  He wanted me to be a regular, and in the end we became a couple.  I don’t think I was ever ‘in love’ with him.  But I did love him.  A lot, as it happens.  He was my friend, my lover, someone who was consistently kind and generous with me.  He never asked if I was tricking with other men.  And in the end I stopped.  In the beginning I did.  I felt I needed the sex, the excitement of the chase.  You know how it goes. Will he, won’t he?  Is he, isn’t he? Someone new.  Someone exciting.  But, in the end with Richard, yeah, the sex wasn’t stunning.  But we were happy.  It was so nice to be loved for myself, and it was …. beaut … to love him back.  After he died, I went cruising again, and the sex was hot but it wasn’t enough.  There was a missing ingredient.  And that was mattering to someone. Having someone to cuddle.   I matter to Jace and Keith.  And I matter to you.  And I need that.”

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Episodes 1 to 480 (without pictures, 20 episodes per chapter)  

494

“He’s a handsome little fucker, isn’t he?” commented Luigi as they watched the film.  “He looks gay, don’t you think?”

“Luke Skywalker?  You think?  I prefer Han Solo.  I don’t know.  I can’t tell.  Anyway he’s married with kids.”

“Yeah well.  That is Hollywood.  And California.  Anything’s possible.  Anything’s possible here, too, actually.  Key, when he was on the streets, used to have sex with lots of married blokes.  He says that some of them were very kind and gentle with him, that what they wanted was more to be loved than just a fuck.  It’s kind of hard isn’t it?  We need both, don’t we, love and sex?  I mean, we’ve both been out there cruising—whoring—and … well, what were we looking for?  Just sex?  Or love?  Both?  Or something in between?  I know I told myself it was sex, but in my heart, it was love.  Or somebody to cuddle, anyway.”

Cody thought about it.  “Mmm,” he said. “At the time, I just thought of it as sex.  It was … well … sex with men was … hot.  I loved Phillippa—I still love her—but I just needed to … no, that’s not true … I could have … anyway, the thing is that I realised with you that it was something more … that I needed to be loved.  It’s a mess.  I’m a mess, Lou.”

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Episodes 1 to 480 (without pictures, 20 episodes per chapter)  

493

“I know,” replied Luigi.  And he did.  He remembered Cody’s reaction when he had cut him out of his life.   The way he had sobbed as he walked away from the flat.  “Thing is … how many women will be OK with you having a bloke in your life?  A lover?  Even if they know about it right from the beginning?”

“I know.  It’s …. Yeah, I know.  Thank you, Lou.”

“For what?  I chucked you out and you went on to pick up the murderer.  Thanks aren’t needed, mate.”

 “I deserved it.  I lied to you and to her.  I lied and lied and lied.  I pretended one thing and did another.”

Luigi didn’t know how to react to this bitter outburst.  It was true.  And it was that which had so hurt and angered him.  The deceit.  The lies.  Would have been so angry if he’d known from the first that Cody was married?  That his wife would come first?  He tried to imagine whether he would have fallen in love if he’d known Cody was married. 

“Cody, you can’t go back and change what you did.  All you can do is try not to do it again.”

“No Try not.  Do … or do not.  There is no try.”  Cody’s voice was solemn.

Luigi burst out laughing.  Cody looked at him and then also started laughing.  Luigi nearly drove off the side of the road he was laughing so much.

“Tool!” he said, still laughing.  “I know, let’s get the video tonight.  And a bottle of champers. ” Luigi said, still chuckling.   “The Force is strong in you, Yody.”

The crisis was over.  For now.  But both knew it would return.

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Episodes 1 to 480 (without pictures, 20 episodes per chapter)