Alone in his bedroom, Jason
took up Bart’s diary again. He hadn’t
looked at it for a couple of weeks. He
flipped it open towards the end.
Monday. Saw ____ again at footy. I love him.
He’s so cute and handsome. But I
haven’t told him. I wish I had the
courage to tell him.
Tuesday. _____ accused me of being a homo in front of
a whole group of his friends. I feel so
ashamed. I wish I wasn’t gay. After school some of them waited for me and
taunted me as I walked home. It was only
just outside the door that they stopped.
I know mum saw it but she didn’t say anything.
Wednesday. More of the same. In class I felt that even Father McAlister
knew, from the way he was looking at me.
When I sat down at my desk I could smell dogshit. Someone had put some in my desk. When I opened the lid there were chortles
from half the boys in my class. Father McAlister didn’t stop them, though he’s
normally so strict. He just watched me
with his eyes so hard, his mouth a thin line.
I wish I was dead.
Jason couldn’t bear to read
any more. He was filled with rage at the
bullies, at the judgments and prejudice.
It didn’t seem that it had happened twenty years ago. It felt immediate, real. He wondered if any of them had ever regretted
what they had done. Did they lie abed
awake, staring at the ceiling? Did they
try and make amends now? Or had they
just gone blithely along with the rest of their lives, forgetting the young man
they had driven to his death? Did they ever look at a gay guy now, and think
about Bart?
Then he remembered that he
himself had done wrong; that Brent too had killed himself, not because he was
gay but because—in the end—because he had been ashamed of being poor, and had
stolen money to try and keep up with Jason.
And Jason hadn’t been there for him.
Knuckling tears from his eyes, Jason wept for himself and Brent and
Bart. He wept for humanity.
Episodes 1 to 500 (without pictures, 20 episodes per chapter)
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